Lately I have been reading the the Bible more consistently than I have ever before in my life. It is not something I truly did out of my own genuine will. It took me 23 years to want to learn and truly understand God by actually listening to the words He spoke. I never really tried to search or tried to really get to know Him. I just took things as they were or as they happened in life. Based everything off of my limited “intelligence”, or my feelings— mere human observations. Which then I made my own conclusions to as “that’s what God meant”. Which ULTIMATELY most of the resulted in me having a very negative perception of God’s will and motives.

I have read verses that I’ve read countless of times in my life but am seeing them suddenly so differently. For instance, I’ve probably read Psalms 23 over 10234859 of times since I’ve basically grown up in the church starting with Sunday School in Preschool. But I never realized until I recently read it just how beautiful the words in that chapter are. How much they display God’s love for me. How much He is there for me beginning to end. How much he knows everything in my heart. And how as as my shepherd, he will never abandon me. Ever. 

I realized today while driving to work that I have been posting Bible verses of my daily devotions on my Facebook for the past few days. And I realized how it can appear to people: annoying, fake, hypocritical, self-righteous, etc etc. I completely understand. Because I’ve felt that way before too. But I am a hypocrite. I am a sinner. I am not perfect. I post the verses I read in the morning and at night and then I will commit another sin throughout my day at work, to my mom, etc. I am not perfect. I am a hypocrite. I know how it can look and how annoying it might seem because I’ve felt it before too— when I’d see someone “acting” oh-holy-godly via fb or other social media means when their actions don’t reflect it. My actions certainly do not always reflect my love for God because it’s true, I am and always will be a sinner.

But something I learned sort of recently from my pastor. It is more important that the Gospel is spread. It should be more of a priority to spread the Word despite the fact that the person sharing is “a hypocrite”. It should be more of a priority to spread and intake God’s Word than to focus on pointing fingers at the person trying to share something from the Bible, he/she is such a hypocrite, ugh how annoying like shut up! Because by default we’re already already sinners and hypocrites. There will never be someone perfect or “worthy” of sharing God’s love and Word— even our amazing pastors. So I don’t know why I would get so upset when someone who I KNOW isn’t perfect would give me Biblical advice and I’d mutter under my breath “wtf you’re not perfect stop preaching to me please stfu”. But my pastor was saying the Word is still the Word. We are all hypocrites so in the end, it is still more important that we still share the word, love of God. 

And lately, I’ve been suddenly reading such amazing chapters in the Bible that are really speaking clear to me. Like God is whispering in my ears or something. And I really just want to share it. There is no other hidden meaning behind it. I know I am not perfect. But that doesn’t mean the verse I just read isn’t amazing— just because I’m a sucky human being lol. I hope you will not judge me for being a terrible person in action while I still try to share what I read. God’s word is still the Word and it should be spread. Even by a sinner like me. That is why we are to grow together in fellowship at church, with friends, family,. It makes so much sense to me now… all connects. That is why God says do not fear men, fear Him. 

doris

(Source: )

18 There are three things that are too amazing for me,
    four that I do not understand:
¹⁹ the way of an eagle in the sky,
    the way of a snake on a rock,
the way of a ship on the high seas,
    and the way of a man with a young woman. - Proverbs 30:18-19

There are so many things I do not understand of this world, and of my own life. Why things happen the way they do. What have I done to be so blessed with His grace? But why do bad things happen? Why is the sky blue? How do heavy masses float in water and soar through the sky? How does gravity work? Why do people fall in love, if You should be enough for us? Why are men shallow? Why are women sly? Why do my parents not understand me? Why do you continue to bless me with beatitudes while I constantly fail you? 

(Source: doris-dayz)

13 For you created my inmost being; 
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb. 
¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful, 
    I know that full well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. 
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.
¹⁷ How precious to me are your thoughts,^[a] God! 
    How vast is the sum of them!
¹⁸ Were I to count them, 
    they would outnumber the grains of sand —
    when I awake, I am still with you.

— Psalm 139:13-18

What beautiful words to remind me that I was not made purposeless. That I am no accident. No mistake. No deformation. No coincidence. But born a child of God. A masterpiece. A servant to His Kingdom. A daring woman. I hope to be that woman of God I desire to be as I continue to learn in faith, hope in God and acceptance of my being and existance. I hope to one day be that God-fearing woman in Proverbs 31… and I’ll end with one of my favorite verses:

²⁵ She is clothed with strength and dignity;
    she can laugh at the days to come. — Proverbs 31:25

doris

(Source: doris-dayz)

Cynicism. It has failed me my whole life. It has done me no good, but make me think low of myself and discourage myself and doubt God’s ability. “Cynics can’t be fooled, which is why they can never be delighted.” — Paul E. Miller. I want to delight in the Lord, but I never fully allowed myself to because I was too concerned with the “realities of life”. Sometimes, I took, or take pride in being a cynic because I think to myself, well at least I know the hard truth, if I know, then I can handle it. But I can’t.  Sometimes, I am only human and can’t handle the truths of life. Sometimes it hurts. Sometimes I just want to give up on life altogether. So where then, with cynicism, does that leave me in terms of hope? 

Nowhere.

Nothing.

Hopeless.

God has been working miracles in my life. I’ve known this, but after awhile, and time passes… I forget about His goodness and the blessings He has given me and go back to being my cynical self. But with hope, I can continually lean on God. Even after failures, rejections, etc, with hope, it isn’t the end. With hope, I can still see that I am loved, and God knows the desires of my heart. I am really going to try and practice living in hope. This sentence by Miller struck me so hard:

“Jesus does not analyze what he doesn’t know. He clings to what he knows.” 

I tend to analyze the living shit out of everything and from that results me thinking I know the world. That I know society. Life. People. How terrible human beings are. Guys. Relationships. Marriage. EVERYTHING. I analyze, and from what I gather from my logical human brain, I conclude that it is smarter to be a cynic. But I need to be more like Jesus and cling to what I DO know… not the analysis of possibilies of this and that outcome. That what I DO know is that God does wonders beyond our imagination. That He can move mountains if He wanted to. I know that He keeps his promises and is watching over me and knows what’s in my heart, the pain, the sufferings.

And that is what I always forget. That my God is the almighty and great God. That no matter the “reality” of the circumstance, He can do anything. Who do I think I am to think my analyzing can ever beat having hope in Him?

Be careful for nothing; but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God… - Philippians 4:6

(Source: doris-dayz)

I am so unsure. About everything. People ask me what have you been up to? I don’t know. I don’t even know how to answer a simple question like that. I could just say “nothing” but I’m not completely doing nothing. I’v been doing this and that working a temp job which I don’t want to explain and in general in a “phase of transition”. Do people really have to ask? Gosh. I can’t wait to start my new job on Monday. I’m not excited for the commute but I’m going to give this job my ALL. Looking back on my life I definitely am a harder worker, but I have never committed to anything with ALL of my blood and SWEAT. Even with fashion. I love it so much but I know deep down I have not given it my ALL, 100%. I will probably go MIA because I’ll be so tired— not that anyone will notice the difference.

People ask me how is your love life? What love life? That at 23 my failed relationships have gone nowhere and done me nothing good but make me a bitter, cynical girl and a man-hater? “It’s so wonderful I love being fucked over by guys, thanks for asking!”. I don’t know how to reply to this question so I go with the simple answer with a fake laugh, “haha what love life?”. I mean, really, what love life. Can I please be loved? lol I don’t know why I give off the “I got it all down by myself I do not need a man” vibe. Or why my height matters SO much. Sike, I do know why, lol.

People ask me how are MaryLou and Susan doing? I don’t fuckin know? My friends list has shrunk down to like 3. I realized yesterday that absolutely no one hits me up anymore except literally my 3 best friends except 2 are out of state right now… and I’m done being the one always doing so first. I’m just really over it. If that means I only have 1 friend then, great. I want to say ‘how sad’ but at the same time I’m almost finally relieved that I got rid of all the false “friends”. I get so irritated when people ask me how so and so is doing and then because my personality is such a hard, get-to-the-point, cold type I just flat out say what it is- “uh I don’t know? We don’t talk? I haven’t seen or talked to her in like months? lol I dunno why are you asking me?” followed by the few seconds of awkward silence. 

People ask me oh why do you want to go to law school? in the most condescending “wtf, YOU? law school? [LAUGH OUT LOUD WHAT A JOKE]” tone. I want to punch all of these motherfuckers. When I’m done with my law school personal statement I want to print it out, shove it in their fucking mouths and force them to ‘digest’ all of it. On why the fuck I want to go into law. Haha what a great pun, ‘digest’, why am I so funny? I don’t know why people think I’m an idiot..? As if I just woke up one sunny day, watched an ep of Law and Order or Legally Blonde and said, “Oh! I want to be a lawyer!!” THE FUCK? Seriously. WHAT is up with these negative tones and remarks…? I have damn well reasons why I want to go into law and I don’t need anyone to look down on me because I’m not the “ideal” physical candidate of a lawyer. I say, FUCK YOU.

All of this makes it sound like I’m really angry lol. I mean to an extent I am— but that’s always been a part of me. Angry little Doris who hates people and the world. Except I’m really just more confused, lost and unsure than angry. I would say bitter, more than angry. Real life aint what I thought it’d be. It’s not glamorous or cracked out as my younger self imagined. Or I’m just not livin right or doing something wrong. But while I am so lost about everything, I am also so confident in myself as God’s servant. Yeah, it must make no sense and it must sound like I’m crazy. I know what I need to do, where I want to be, what my purpose in life is, I’m just stuck in a rut on HOW to get there exactly. And I need some guidance, motivation and a little push push or maybe  a slap on the face to wake the fuck up from my slump and face reality.

doris

(Source: )

I’m so tired of it. I’m so tired of trying so hard to be the best possible person to the extent in which I can be. None of it matters. Because in this life, looks are everything. I might be the smartest, most studious, passionate, loving, patient, kindest, talented, best chef, artist, designer, painter, writer, etc on this planet but none of it matters. Haha. Not saying I am all of the above but there is just no point in me striving to be the best person I can be because ultimately society, at least in this life, finds me unattractive and no amount of personality can make up for it. I’m tired of trying extra hard to be even just at the normal playing field while pretty dumb bimbo bitches prance around like idiots and are fully, and MORE accepted, than I am, because you’re normal. You’re pretty. It’s just so sad because I love me. I love being me. But no matter what, it will never be enough for this earth, for people here in this life. I want to go Home. To my real home but I know I’m here for a reason. This is not me being emo. This is reality. And if anyone tells me otherwise I will for sure punch you in the face for being so full of bull shit. I don’t like bull shit. I don’t want to hear it. This here is the truth. Tired and exhausted from trying so hard to be above and beyond just so I can be at the “normal” level. Haha if I acted the way or had the personality of many dumb ass people I know I would be absolutely SHUNNED from society. It’s a given that I have to try. I’ve got to be friendlier than normal people, more approachable, more sociable, more intelligent, more stronger?, more stylish or have some sense of style, to be at the place in my life I am today: “NORMAL”. With tons of acquaintances, amazing friends, a decent resume, and basically my social life and the status of my interaction with people in society. Imagine of I didn’t have any of these. If I was not the friendly person I am, people would never approach me they’d be scared to talk to me. But I make YOU feel comfortable. I’m not saying I’m Bill Gates nor did I graduate college with an awesome GPA, but I am decently well educated, I studied hard, I read books, I write, I am well knowledgable about the world. Imagine this was all gone and I was just a dumb girl. Yea. Imagine that. People would step all over it. Imagine I wasn’t the “strong, I don’t give a fuck” personality that I, Doris, am. Not saying I am not not ever sad or emo, because I do have my fair share of ‘emo-ness’ but I mean REALLY, if I didn’t have that extra idgaf attitude and the getting over obstacles strength, yeah. I would be a pathetic little girl who would be the pity of all people including those whom love me, family and friends. The poor Doris she is so small and so weak she must hate her life. Imagine if I had absolutely no sense of style and I was so discouraged in my circumstances I only wore sweats or “트리닝 바지” and tshirts. Again, society would put me on another scale of ‘aw… how sad’. I am literally MOLDING and PRESENTING myself to be that NORMAL HUMAN BEING as possible since according to the worlds standards, I already am one lap behind in the physical department. So in order for me to be “normal” I have to do all of this. I have to be better than normal. To be normal. If that makes sense. I am who I am in every way for a reason. And I love God for it. I love myself for it. I love me. I love being me. I love being the loud, often obnoxious, strongly opinionated, passionate, spazzish, sarcastic, flat-nosed, food-loving individual that I am. But the reality is it is never enough for the world, and it never will be.  It’s just all so FUNNY to me because God accepts me 100000% just the way I am, so I’m like who do you think YOU are??? It’s almost offensive but I try to not let it offend me but really. Like, God accepts me, and He’s THE ONE. The Almighty. The GREAT God thinks I’m FINE and accepts me. You, you’re just a TINY human being as well, who happens to be taller than me in physical measurement. So I’m thinking who do you fuckers think you are to think less of me??? And not see me as a EQUAL human being?? As a full woman??? lol. and NO I’m not talking about those who DIRECTLY tease/ridicule/mock me. Yes you. All of you who without even knowing subconsciously put me on a different level of human because I am indeed short. Please— YOU’RE NOT BETTER THAN ME BECAUSE YOU’RE 5 FEET TALL! Lol get out! 

I am so tired. So very tired. Of trying but I’m obviously going to keep doing my thing because I need to survive in this joke of a planet. Looks are everything, and as long as this earth is spinning, it will continue to be so. And don’t tell me no bull shit about how it’s not because it is. Yes, personality is a biggie too, I KNOW, but really, deep deep deep down, subconsciously we all judge by outer appearance. I mean, that’s how we even pick the people we want to approach and meet. Don’t tell me anything else or I will just think you’re a joke because I don’t need anyone to make me “feel better” about myself, it has nothing to do with that. I love being me. I didn’t write this because I hate myself or because I wanted to hear some bullshit sugarcoat responses. I love myself and I love every little thing about me that God carefully crafted. I couldn’t imagine me being any other way. But looks forever matter first and foremost because we are all human beings. 

I’ll just learn to accept it slowly, but surely. 

doris